Stop joking about how you've managed to keep your kids alive.

Pouring salt on open wounds

Young parents are constantly asked questions about their quality of life after children. We receive questions from strangers in the grocery line. Friends who are genuinely interested ask how things are going. Other parents who share this life stage check in on each other’s sanity. Those who are thinking about having kids one day ask about the difficulties and the joys.

Moms in yoga pants mumble something about their great need for more coffee. Very often we offer only a short affirmative answer: Good. Sometimes though, people want to be funny and reply, “it’s going well, I’ve managed to keep them alive this long.” You can learn a lot about a person by how they answer these questions. And when I hear that phrase, I know this is a parent who has never lost a child.

It’s seems innocent, and most often it is said with a slight chuckle. People never consider though, it’s deep and painful implications. I didn’t either the countless times I rattled it off in an attempt to be light hearted and personable. Life has a way of teaching lessons. I have not personally lost a child, though I have been very close to some who have. There are too many moms who have felt the empty arms of child loss for us to joke about it. Some parents know this pain all too deeply.

Sometimes tragedy strikes and it’s nobody’s fault. Thousands of children suffer fatal illnesses every year. SIDS is a particular evil that robs families all too suddenly. So many parents suffer false, unjust guilt asking what they could have done to prevent it when most of the time in these situations the answer is nothing. Even accidents considered to be preventable could happen at any time to anyone. Every mom knows deep down, she can’t prevent every danger.

The phrase “I’ve managed to keep them alive this long” comes across as a badge of successful parenting. Congratulations, you’ve done this really hard thing and you haven’t failed at it. The implication here is that those who have lost children don’t get the badge - they failed.

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
         Proverbs 12:18

I know that people don’t say things like this intending to pour salt on the wounds of others. It is important though, that we understand how our words affect those who may hear them. At best these words and others like them, are not healing to those who are hurting. At worst they are a sword thrust into the hearts of others. Rash words, even those meant in humor have the power to damage others.

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
         Proverbs 10:19

If you have children who are healthy and thriving you are fortunate. If tragedy has not struck your home, thank God and count your blessings. Find a way to love on those around you who may be hurting and guard your words so you aren’t adding to their pain.